Friday, April 1, 2011

Your Replacement

Guess what Dan, sometimes you wake up in the morning and you've got a belly full of willpower so you leave your apartment with a plan and a purpose because fuck this, man, I'm sick of being outnumbered by chins. Maybe I want to climb a stair case or two without taking a sweatnap right after, maybe I'll drag my 230 LB thirty year old man-body not to the regular grocery store but to the fancy one right next to it that sells cranberry kombucha and fair trade quinoa, I'll kick it with the greenies and the flesh people (thats what I call THEM). I'll breeze right by the frozen cocunut water knock off ice cream thanks and I don't need to play waffle roulette with the frozen circles you are selling that are loaded with something you freakos are telling me is "flax."

I get it. I'm on your team. Everything in this store is fibre. I can feel the cancer cells not dividing within my body as I look at organic stuff and whole grainy items and fair trade pasta, free range omega fish oily bags of this and tins of dolphin free granola whateverthefuck and hey man, I'm just a man, man. I don't know exactly what it is you freaks want me to do here, but I feel pretty safe buying organic, thrice washed lettuce. The label says "Hey brah, don't worry about washing this lettuce brah. Seriously, don't sweat it, enjoy the game. We got this... trust. We washed it three times, three! That's more times than hardly anybody needs to wash something."

In retrospect, I should have known something was up. Why brag about washing something three times? If someone has to do something like that, it means they don't know what they are doing. That's like bragging that you locked the door three times. Sounds like you are trying to paper over the fact that you leave the door swinging on its hinges most nights and now you are telling me you washed the lettuce obsessively because, in reality, you don't know shit about washing lettuce and we are probably getting robbed some time this month. Next time, I'm looking for the bag o' lettuce that says "washed once, with confidence," because holy shit Daniel, meet your replacement.

Fuck the what is this, Organic Girl? Is this your sick idea of a joke? I'm just trying to add a little lubricant to my digestive tract... and you put this little green fella in my greens? Thanks so much for the delicious lettuce, and thanks for washing the LIVE, SQUIRMING bug that lives inside. I'm sure he's mega stoked to be such a clean, intact, living in human food bug. I almost ate this poor bastard. Now he lives in the garbage. I hope you like bodega receipts and tuna cans because there's not much else on TV in that glad bag.

It's opening day, nothing can get me down.


  1. You say "Bug". I say "Delicious Side Dish".

  2. LOL.
    This post made my evening.

    "Flesh people?" like... those who show a lot of it... without worrying that they'll end up in a .jpeg searchable under hash tags like #onthebus, or #fatpeopleeating???